God who Loves, gives Love

Those of you who have read my post “Lessons from Loss” will be familiar with the heartbreak I experienced after the loss of my unborn baby. It was a devastating time which called for introspection, faith, and lots of strength.

I desperately wished to be pregnant again after my loss, yet the fear, anxiety, and doubts hung over me like a dark cloud. I kept envisioning the same thing happening again, God forbid and spent many sleepless nights in worry and despair.

I tried to cling to my faith, to the belief that God is Good, that he is pure kindness and grace. That this one challenge I was experiencing did not mean that I will face it yet again. However, I was still battling the dark thoughts and negativity which seemed to engulf me. I was drowning in an abyss and was attempting to stay afloat in the sea of my sorrow.

I realized after a while that there are two ways of living. Some believe in God and hold him in high regard. And there are others who not only believe in God, yet live with God. This profound thought strengthened me when I was submerged in my pain. For I tried to include God in my life, to actively involve him and embrace him the same that he cares for me so lovingly.

I realized that frequently we Believe in God and his power, yet are disconnected from him in many ways. We fail to actively internalize that he is right here with us, going through the difficult time and cheering us on as we’re trying to overcome the challenge he’s sent our way.

I’m not saying that it has been easy and that overnight I have been transformed and my fears abated. However, I took the leap of faith and said to God “You are the one who gives life, and you are the one who takes it away. I trust you that you will be here with me as I put my faith in you and am truly ready to embrace motherhood.”

A few short weeks later my husband and I found out that we were expecting! The joy was immense, and so was the fear. I was constantly trying to reinforce what I’d said to myself before. Trying to strengthen my belief, while simultaneously welcoming God into my life and talking to him about my fears.

It has been a difficult few months of true self-awareness, perseverance, and strength. I’ve given over my life to my father and trusted that he will take care of me and my unborn child.

I am happy to say that we are expecting our firstborn in September and can not wait to celebrate our rainbow baby.

If not for the constant awareness of God’s might, his loving-kindness, and his deep compassion for me I would not have tried for a healthy child. I could not have had the courage to face my demons and tell them that I am stronger than them. That my God is stronger than them.

I have learned to live with God. Every single moment of every single day. To truly feel him. To let him in and to make space for him.

Because when we open the door for our creator, he will open many doors for us and show us his kindness and everlasting love.