Lessons from Loss

And was never held..

I loved it as soon as I saw the positive test.

I had dreams, visions, a future so bright for this tiny creation.

I was up for nights, daydreamed, thought of nothing but the new life

I was creating.

Then- it was no more.

The grief was gut wrenching, the pain intolerable, the dreams

Exploding and imploding and tearing me apart.

I so badly wanted to accept, to believe, that God is good

That his plans are not understood at times,

That the pain my heart was feeling

Was for the good.

I cried. For the loss, for the dreams which

Turned into a pile of ruble

Broken, empty and bleeding.

I missed the baby I would never hold,

Cried rivers of tears which felt like it would never dry up.

Yet it did.

God gave me the strength to forge on, to face my fears,

To heal despite of the loss; to grow in spite of the

Challenge and pain.

I saw the goodness of my lord, the grace he bestowed upon me

I realized that he is with me in the pain

That he sees my suffering.

That he is holding my hand, guiding me through

A painful, devastating time.

I clung to my belief fiercely, for there was nothing

As rock solid as his love and his patience.

I may not hold my baby in this lifetime

And I miss it every day

But I believe that God has some greater plan for me

That he will give me the gift of a child

When the time is right.

For the time being I am holding onto God

And to his endless love for me.