I loved it as soon as I saw the positive test.
I had dreams, visions, a future so bright for this tiny creation.
I was up for nights, daydreamed, thought of nothing but the new life
I was creating.
Then- it was no more.
The grief was gut wrenching, the pain intolerable, the dreams
Exploding and imploding and tearing me apart.
I so badly wanted to accept, to believe, that God is good
That his plans are not understood at times,
That the pain my heart was feeling
Was for the good.
I cried. For the loss, for the dreams which
Turned into a pile of ruble
Broken, empty and bleeding.
I missed the baby I would never hold,
Cried rivers of tears which felt like it would never dry up.
Yet it did.
God gave me the strength to forge on, to face my fears,
To heal despite of the loss; to grow in spite of the
Challenge and pain.
I saw the goodness of my lord, the grace he bestowed upon me
I realized that he is with me in the pain
That he sees my suffering.
That he is holding my hand, guiding me through
A painful, devastating time.
I clung to my belief fiercely, for there was nothing
As rock solid as his love and his patience.
I may not hold my baby in this lifetime
And I miss it every day
But I believe that God has some greater plan for me
That he will give me the gift of a child
When the time is right.
For the time being I am holding onto God
And to his endless love for me.